One year and about 6,000 miles ago, I spent a New Year's Day contemplating just how little the passing of the old year meant to me. Admittedly, I was pretty depressed at the time, and feeling profoundly unconnected and lost. A lot has changed in my life since then, and not one iota of it could have been done if I didn't have the most amazing support network, most notably made up of my mom, my boyfriend, and a few very wonderful friends. That said, I have realized that I still don't believe in New Years. Obviously, I don't mean to say that I don't notice the fact that 2010 is over and 2011 has begun.
No, I mean that even though I'm a little financially better off, with better prospects and more experience, and vastly better off when it comes to my personal life, as I have found a true partner in life, of the kind I'd begun to think didn't actually happen in real life, I still don't place any significance on January 1st. I know a lot of people consider it a good day to evaluate and make resolutions, or start fresh, or wash their hands of the old year, but I am just not one of them.
I actually find more comfort in pretty much ignoring all of that. If the New Year is supposed to be a fresh start, then I find way too many things to be well past their expiration, yet still lingering. However, if I look at the things as happening at random, on their own schedules, then I don't have to be upset about a spoiled celebration, or take it as a bad omen that casts a shadow over the year when an unhappy event happens and isn't resolved before midnight on December 31st.
I have a lot of hopes for the coming year, but I won't get to hoping for them in earnest until some things have been dealt with. Processes that were begun last year have yet to finish, and New Year's Eve itself heralded a family sadness that will not be swiftly relegated to auld lang syne.
In the coming year, I expect a lot of big changes, in addition to the ones that took place in the previous year. A lot of them will be related, though, and in my mind, I haven't parceled them up so that they belong to last year - a thing that is over and done.
2 comments:
You say it plainly and well: things that started last year are under no cosmic law to wrap up neatly (nicely or otherwise) just because the clock strikes Midnight on a brand new calendar year. Personally, I think of the "New Year" thing as part of a continuing cycle. Life and Death, Age and Growth, Learning and Wisdom. I do believe in using the New Year as a jumping off point, a "good place to start" something important or new... but only because it's the beginning of something, and it's rather easy to track. For me, it's the same rationale as starting a diet on a Monday instead of a Thursday, or beginning a new exercise regimen on the first of the month. But this is me, and as you've said, that isn't how things work for you.
I'm sorry for the family issue that you mentioned, and I sincerely hope that with time it eases. You are dearly loved, this year, last year, and in all the years to come.
Every year is the same except for the things that happen. Same seasons, same moon. Same stars. It's all up to you to pave the landscape. Happy New Year H.
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